Living my Purpose

Let’s explore the gains to be found in loss! You might be surprised just how effective loss can be to our long-term benefit.

How do you deal with loss? What is loss?

Are you prepared to have loss in order to gain?

Could it be that loss and—more importantly—learning how to deal with loss is simply as natural to life as the organic vegetable section at your local grocery store?

Loss, like vegetables, don’t always suit my taste; but I know I need them to be healthy. Loss can be nourishing for the soul and character even as they’re gagged down like… Brussel sprouts, beets, kale, and cabbage. Oh my!

Navigating Loss

In The On-Purpose Person (page 93), you learn about fighters, floaters, fleers, and flitters as “styles” for dealing with stress and life. There, you’re encouraged to be a navigator, one who leads and manages through change rather than reacting to and being a victim of it. It takes an inherent calm and peace.

As a formerly ranked USTA Florida Section tennis player, when I’m in “the zone” on the court, I play without the stress and strain of forcing my play. My play clicks right along instinctively. The secret to getting and staying in the zone to some degree is detaching from the usual expected outcome—to win the match. I learned to “play with abandon” from a Tim Galloway’s The Inner Game of Tennis (1974). It is a wonderful book on playing tennis that also translates into life lessons.

The ability to play better comes from navigating the experience positively. It is hard to keep this “above the fray” mindset, but when one does, the body and mind are able to perform seemingly without effort.

In business, on the tennis court, or on the golf course, I’ve seen far too many talented people tighten up for fear of loss. This “choking” isn’t a personal failure, it is a growing experience if we allow it to be instructive versus destructive.

Oddly, loss is important to our health, well-being, and finances because it helps us to mature and grow. Sailors on a ship may not be aware of the big picture or have the experience to place what is happening to the ship in a proper context. A ship’s captain, however, brings the capacity to navigate the shoals and shores safely even in a storm.

If you are learning—and we’re all life-long learners—then anticipate there are situations when you are a sailor and other times when you are a captain.

Learn from your losses, and your life passage will be calmer and more productive as you gain from each loss.

Look at this list of fears. How many of them grip you? Be sure to read the FEAR acronym later in this post; not the “False Evidence Appearing Real” one, either—but that’s good too. Read on and learn how to combat fear.

• Fear of public speaking
• Fear of starting a business
• Fear of being seen for who I really am
• Fear of intimacy or closeness
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of making cold calls
• Fear of being alone
• Fear of change
• Fear of abandonment
• Fear of relationships
• Fear of failure
• Fear of spiders
• Fear of success
• Fear of big words
• Fear of death
• Fear of loneliness
• Fear of flying
• Fear of snakes
• Fear of people
• Fear of a secret being revealed
• Fear of risk
• Fear of looking stupid
• Fear of looking smart

The point of this partial list of fears is that fear exists. Fear itself can be very real and dangerous. When it comes to some fear, it is often simply a (mis)perception of reality. Fear is a normal and healthy part of life. Yes, healthy! For every fear I have, there is someone who isn’t phased in the least by the same fear. What is the difference?

Overcoming fear is a process, not necessarily an event. It may require ongoing, progressive exposures or opportunities to face it. Here’s my quick acronym for overcoming fear.

• F = Face it. You have a choice: flee fear or face fear. If you flee from fear, you are guaranteed a loss. If you face your fear, then you have a chance to grow and learn—a winning outcome.
• E = Enter in. Having faced your fear, now take the first step toward what frightens you. And then take one more step beyond where you are comfortable. More, if possible.
• A = Assess progress. What did you learn about your phobia, yourself, your perspective, your preconceived notions, your attitude, your experience, and whatever else you can glean as a positive step in growth? Even a setback holds a lesson, but you need to go into it with the understanding that it is an experiment in learning and growth.
• R = Recalibrate. Picture your fear on a scale from 1–10. As a result of Face–Enter–Assess, what measurable—if any— improvement, growth, or learning have you experienced? Now, go back and recalibrate your fear scale.

What are your specific benefits of playing it safe rather than facing your fears? Fear will keep you from being on-purpose. Follow the FEAR Approach and keep making progress … on-purpose.

Step 1: Face It: A Simple How-to Guide to Combat Fear

In FIT 4 Leading, the “F” in FIT stands for Fear. Fear is but one of the four greatest obstacles to success faced by leaders. Several years ago, I conducted a study of small business and solo owners. Over 22% of the respondents indicated that fear is their greatest obstacle to success. So you’re not alone in your fears, but this is one place where you don’t want comfort in numbers.

Fear is an educator when we’re willing to lean into it and allow it to teach us. One strategy I suggest to help you overcome your fear(s) is the use of a coach or mentor. They come to your fear with a different experience and set of senses. A coach can help you:

1. Break down what’s really going on within your fear and pinpoint a more precise “definition” of your fear.
2. Help you to see and quantify where and what your fear is costing you.
3. Devise strategies and a plan for facing your fear in small manageable steps.
4. Provide accountability to see that you follow through on your plan.
5. Process your experiences of facing your fears and lessons to be learned.

Fear is an enemy of the soul and success. Like any enemy, it can be identified, named, and defeated. But make no mistake that you’re going into combat and you want to be armed and not alone. Fear, however bad it may seem, points the way to personal growth and development.

Fear Quotes

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1933

To lead is difficult when you’re a follower of fear.

T.A. Sachs

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

Marie Curie

FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.

Anonymous

Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death. 

Anonymous

If a man harbors any sort of fear, it percolates through all thinking, damages his personality and makes him a landlord to a ghost.

Lloyd Douglas

Disappointment is inevitable but it need not be debilitating. How you manage it, however, is a choice with profound implications to your well-being, relationships, and opportunities. The easy route is to react negatively and stay there, but what good is that? You have a better choice. What words of advice have you heard for getting unstuck when you find yourself disappointed with something important?

I got to thinking about the word: disappointment. It led me to this chain of words: disappointment > disappoint > point > appoint > appointment. The common word is “point” as in a mark or dot or direction. When we’re disappointed, the mark has been missed. It does, however, provide an opportunity for redirection.

What if disappointment is really intended to direct us to a greater appointment? When we stay in a negative place, aren’t we the one who increasing the price of the initial disappointment? Aren’t we at risk of missing where we’ve been appointed to growth in strength and power?

What works for you in managing disappointment? What you have to say may be the very words that transform another person’s perspective. Be courageous and share your ideas when opportunity arises. Now don’t disappoint me!  : )

Check out this 10-minute excerpt from a keynote address where I was talking about changing the punctuation point in your life from a question mark to a statement to an exclamation point. I call this speech, “Punctuate Your Purpose.”

What does it mean to be a grownup, to mature, or to assume adult behavior? Sadly, far too many adult women and men haven’t a clue what it means to act, live, and be an adult. The process of growing into maturity eludes them.

We men, in particular, seem slow to grow into the responsibilities of manhood. It has less to do with the physiology of aging and more to do with psychology and social norms. Matters like avoidance of responsibilities and lack of clarity around modern male roles complicate it and make it that much easier to put off being a man.

Perhaps the story of Peter Pan is too often taken to heart. Many of us decided to “Never Grow Up.” There’s time for childlike wonder and joy. There’s also a time to be a man.

Women suffer from lack of maturity as well. My mother is in a retirement living situation where the women seem to outnumber the men probably 3 to 1. When I speak with the female staff about many of these senior women, they tell tales of a new man arriving on the scene and it is like junior high girls bickering and posturing for his attention.

What a loss! We can’t really be a very fully engaged on-purpose player when we’re living below our maturity level. When our identity is tied to something other than our purpose we’re subject to the whims of the world or the mercurial nature of other people’s opinions about us.

Maturity, like anything worthwhile, begins with a decision to grow up. Yes, it takes practice, often a mentor or coach, and the desire to keep at it. And work and emotional management! Practice does pays off. The rewards of maturity are to live into the life designed for us and to make a greater contribution with our life.

Seek out a mentor, life coach, or counselor with whom you can create a structured relationship for personal leadership growth and development. This intentional approach and relationship provides the benefits of accountability, fresh perspective, and experience.

If you want to learn something new, then invest in becoming a more mature and capable person. Take one step toward being more responsible for yourself. Then another step, then another. Soon you’ll discover that growing up isn’t such a big deal if you take care of the small deals along the way.

On-Purpose Tip: The process within The On-Purpose Person provides a methodology to better answer some of Life’s Great Questions about our identity and place in the world. If you don’t know who you are, then you’ll likely overcompensate by living life either too small or too large. The posing can become a preoccupation instead of being about your true occupation.

Stop wasting your years! Decide to grow up.