Living My Purpose in My Life Role

Are you hiding behind your online avatar pretending to do life? Who really knows you? Despite the proliferation of social media, digital connections, and the means of communicating via FaceTime, Zoom, text, phone, email, and a letter, do you truly have friendships?

Facebook friends are fake friends. Hiding behind our Facebook profile has become an art form but not necessarily a form of friendship. These one-way communication postures allow us to talk but not be challenged.

I’ve often said that one of our greatest fears is the fear of being known for who we really are and what we’re really thinking. These “unmentionable secrets” create strongholds of deception that undermine our confidence or cause us not to act. Confession is a sacramental exercise for good reason. It frees the soul to be right with God, self, and others.

When no one really knows us, we can be so lost and alone in the midst of our solo tribe. Adding more “friends” becomes an unfulfilling addiction in our search for identity, connection, and meaning. Friends draw us out when we’re withdrawn and lift us up when we’re down. And we do the same for them. There’s give, but no take. There’s no accounts but plenty of deposits.

Perhaps you aren’t even aware there is a different way.

• Has the quantity of your connections become your measure of the meaning of your life?
• Do popularity and followers define your worth and character?
• Have the online hours spent building your network left you busily distracted, desperately lonely, and lacking? Is something still missing?

Consider this, however: a true friend knows what doesn’t get posted on social media or knows it before it gets posted.

Try an experiment this week: Make fewer new connections and have more conversations with a handful of people whom you love or truly would like to know better. Instead of focusing on your burgeoning network, try investing in going deeper with the relationships you do have.

Begin by writing down the names of 2 people whom you identify as worthy of becoming a better friend.

• Call them and tell them what you’re up to in terms of deepening the friendship.
• Get together with them.
• Grab a cup of coffee; invest yourself in what’s happening in their life.
• Learn to listen and ask the deeper, more penetrating questions.

Instead of staying on the edge of life and activities, discover what they learned, how they felt, what concerns them, what gives them joy, and so forth. Laugh, cry, reflect, and just do life together.

Challenge yourself to add at least one true confidant to your life over the coming weeks and months.

Your reward may be a lifelong friend.

When we have friends, we can be apart from people, but not alone. Keyboards can masterfully sustain and keep true friends connected through time and distances. Having friends to talk things through, to be in the flow of one another’s lives with context and concern—now that can make all the difference!

Take a hard look around and see who is truly there standing with you. As importantly, are you at risk of being off-purpose and there’s no one there beside you to call you to task because you’re caught in the swirl of social media?

Interesting Research:

“Americans’ circle of confidants has shrunk dramatically in the past two decades and the number of people who say they have no one with whom to discuss important matters has more than doubled, according to a new study by sociologists at Duke University and the University of Arizona.”

Read a summary of the Duke University research here.

How often do you really stop, think, and reflect on what matters the most to you? There are many benefits to taking a few minutes to simply ponder your task, project, or life. This idea of working ON your life instead of just living IN your life may seem counter-productive.

Abraham Lincoln famously said, “Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the ax.”

Thinking may seem like a waste of your precious time. It is time for quieting the mind to discover what’s really going on. Clarity on the front-end makes for better results on the backend. Here’s where strategy, planning, and numbering steps create the blueprints for improved performance.

Think about this way, in Lincoln’s era sharpening an ax was a long and monotonous task that occupied the hands but freed the mind to think, plan, and ponder the upcoming task of felling the tree. The different angles and approaches could be considered while sharpening the saw. Today, a grinder has that job done in minutes and we’re off chopping the tree or we’ve revved the chain saw and are at work in seconds. This is all the more reason to stop and think.

The concept of being on-purpose is to act WITH your life with greater intention by being mindful of who you really are. To know who you are deep down in the heart of your heart requires thought and demands decisions more easily put off than addressed. But, of all that happens in the world, the one person we can’t ignore or put off is ourself. Sooner or later we will confront the person who has assumed our true identity because we weren’t willing, didn’t have the tools, or didn’t have the guidance to truly think about our lives in more robust terms. And when you and your true self finally meet, will it be a recognizable friend or a stranger?

So simply think. Invest a few minutes to think about whatever comes to mind where your thinking could truly advance your life plan or your agenda for today.

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Other’s Thoughts On Thinking

#UNPLUG: This article in Fast Company Magazine proclaims the benefits of getting away from our electronics—you know, the one you’re reading this on right now! Ouch!

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From the keen mind of my friend Mel Kauffman …

William James said, “People don’t think, they just rearrange their thoughts.”

Arthritis of the Mind

Too many people I know have arthritis of the mind. It hurts when they think. Too many people have their minds frozen in mediocrity. It hurts when it defrosts. Most people are opinion parrots. They parrot the opinion of others. That does not seem to pain their brain. Arthritis of the brain is contagious. You catch it from your parents. You catch it from your peers. For many an original thought is an anomaly. Someone asked Abe Lincoln why he read so much. His response was a light bulb moment for me. He said, “My brain itches and I have to scratch it.” Mark Twain lamented, “We should take our brain out once in a while and jump on it. It gets all caked-up.” William James was so insightful when he wrote, “Most people don’t think, they just rearrange their thoughts.” Thinking is like a muscle. The more you flex it, the more it expands. As brain-pain dissipates, original thoughts begin to appear. Why not leave a legacy of original thoughts?

Mel Kaufmann

melvinkaufmann@gmail.com

Servant leaders see things differently because their hearts are authentically in their actions, often despite their personal circumstances and risk involved. In short, they’ve learned how to love their neighbors in a healthy, respectful, and others-centric manner.

In 60 second public service announcement is sure to bring a tear to your eye for its emotional tug on your heart. There’s so much story and no words. While this amazing film-making short called “Gesto de Amor” (Gesture of Love) highlights the empathy and love of the little girl, the loving act of her brother reveals that he is likely the inspirational source of servant leadership for his sister’s gesture of love. Is he reaping the love he has sown into his sister?

Don’t we want to be known and understood from within? … especially in this crazy world where sick is good, cool is hot, and swag is no longer a “sophisticated wild ass guess”?

Consider showing this video to your friend, family, team and asking them what they’re doing to see things from the perspective of others and how they can give in specific and meaningful ways. Nothing is harder, yet little is more rewarding. When we sincerely get it right as servant leaders who can wear another person’s cap, that makes it all the more meaningful for us well.

Emotional intelligence (EI), made known largely by Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence, is our ability to understand the state of our emotions and others with the ability to process and respond in a productive manner. Some people have an intuition or instinct for sensing the emotions. For others, it can be learned and developed. You emotion begins in the heart. Purpose is symbolized by the heart. Knowing your purpose, means that you’re more aware and in-tune with your emotional source. You’ll better understand when to say yes and when to say no, and be good with it.

Servant=leaders ask sincere and clarifying questions. Avoid making assumptions. Here’s a healthy practice to develop without regard to your EI. On a personal level, it develops trust and can lead to intimacy of conversation. On a corporate basis, it is called market research and leads to customer insights that can ultimately be incorporated into an offering to better serve the customer.

Mostly, however, this degree of interest in serving well comes from a heart of serving, wanting to genuinely profit the other person. This attitude of the heart, the desire to make a positive difference or contribution, is an innate seed given each and every person. For some, the seed lies dormant and uncultivated. For others, it begins but gets trampled on and withers. For some, it flourishes and multiplies itself in unexpected ways … the gift of a shirt rolled with hair in a returning gesture of love.

Selfless service may seem like unprofitable and risky business. As we step out of our comfort zone, we risk appearing and being different. We open ourselves to ridicule—even abuse by unsavory characters and even well-meaning ones. Selfless service is easier said than done because we live in such a quid pro quo world of hidden agendas, subtle deceptions, and a self-centric perspective of “What’s in it for me?” But then again, it isn’t “selfless service” until we take ourselves out of the equation.

What did this commercial stir in you? How might you apply these lessons in your life … in your family … in your business? What role does purpose (symbolized by the heart) play in giving expression to serving?

Adversity is one of life’s great teachers dressed in camouflage.

“What good can come out of this?” you ask, while pondering your present problem. You’re thinking, “It’s horrific, terrible, the worst thing that has ever happened.” A heavy dullness leads to the clincher questions: “Why me?”, “What did I do to deserve this?”, “What hope is left?”

Hope! How are hurts transformed into hope? How is crisis turned into contribution? Paul defies logic and encourages us to “…rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has
poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

Adversity is one of life’s great teachers dressed in camouflage and leading us to character, hope, and love. Yes, greatness can emerge from adversity.

Another logic defying piece of advice I’ve experienced and recommend is that when you are in the depths of your personal pity party reach out and serve someone else. Take the focus off of yourself for a while. Care for someone whose predicament may be worse than your own, or for that matter better than yours. The point is to give freely of yourself. Experience the joy found in the simple act of kindness toward a fellow passenger on planet earth.

The Prayer attributed to St. Francis ofAssisi includes,”… for it is in giving, we receive.” This video by Inanna Sarkis makes the point better than my words.